Matthew 18:15 "And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. ¹⁶ "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. ¹⁷ "And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer. ¹⁸ "Truly I say to you, whatever you shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. ¹⁹ "Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. ²⁰ "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst."

RULE OF ENGAGEMENT #3/MATTHEW 18:15-20

We have considered the following questions in our previous messages: "How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation? How have I contributed to this conflict and what do I need to do to resolve it?" And now, our third question to consider, "How can I help others to understand how they have contributed to this conflict?" Rule # 3 is titled ...

I) GENTLY RESTORE

A) There are a series of steps, outlined for us in Matthew 18, that should guide us in this important God-honoring and brother-helping task. Before looking at Matthew 18, let’s consider, what I believe to be the first step–overlook minor offenses. Let’s hear a couple Bible passages that talk of this important first step cf. Proverbs 19:11; 1 Peter 4:8.

B) If we cannot overlook an offense, then we must go and talk with the offender or offended in private cf. Matthew 18:15; 5:21-24. Note carefully, if you know someone has something against you, then you are to go to them according to Matthew 5. And, if you have been sinned against, then you are to go to the person who sinned against you according to Matthew 18. There is no hint of waiting till the other person comes to you. It has been said, "The one who knows goes," or "The one with the sore toes goes." The reasons for going are as follows: 1) Peace and unity are so important to Jesus that He commands us to seek reconciliation with others even ahead of worship. 2) You may be able to clarify a misunderstanding. 3) You may learn that you were actually wrong. 4) You may help to deliver the other person from the "acid of unforgiveness."

C) Now let’s consider when an offense is too serious to overlook. 1) It is dishonoring God cf. Romans 2:21-24. 2) It has damaged your relationship. 3) It is hurting other people cf. Luke 17:2-3; 1 Corinthians 5:6. 4) It is hurting the offender. Is there a loss of Christian witness, or causing spiritual harm? Before we do confront, here are some things that will help us be effective: 1) Pray, 2) Choose the right time and place, 3) Believe the best about others until you have facts to prove otherwise, 4) Talk in person whenever possible, 5) Plan your words, 6) Use a gracious tone of voice and friendly body language, 7) Be objective (facts vs. personal opinions, assumptions, or conclusions), 8) Use the Bible carefully, and 9) Ask for feedback. When we do confront, we need to keep the following communication skills in mind: 1) Speak only to build up cf. Ephesians 4:29. 2) Always speak the gospel: hold out the love and mercy of God to give hope and encourage others to repent and find freedom from their sin through Christ. 3) Listen carefully: waiting/not interrupting (Proverbs 18:13), concentrating (Matthew 7:12), clarifying, reflecting, and agreeing.

D) If going to others in private does not yield reconciliation, then take another or others along cf. Matthew 18:16. This will help in the following ways: 1) Having others along will encourage self-control and courtesy. 2) Help with asking questions, and clarifying facts. 3) Help give counsel and admonishment from God’s Word. 4) It will expand resources. 5) Will provide a means of observing conduct and reporting to the church if necessary.

E) If that step doesn’t work, then we are to tell it to the church cf. Matthew 18:17. "Implicit in Matthew 18 is the goal of keeping the matter as private as possible as long as possible. Therefore, ‘tell it to the church’ should first involve telling only church leaders and requesting their assistance." "If the sinner will not listen to the leaders, [then], other select members and, if necessary, the entire congregation may be informed of the problem so that they too can try to encourage the sinner to turn from his [or her] ways before he [or she] brings grief to himself [or herself] and to others" (Matthew 18:17-20; 1 Corinthians 5:1-13; Hebrews 13:17).

F) The final step is to treat the unrepentant sinner as a non-believer cf. Matthew 18:17-20. "If a person hardens his heart after repeated appeals and refuses to listen to the church, he is acting like a non-Christian." Such behavior should result in a loss of privileges–leadership, teaching, serving, and the Lord’s Supper. This does not mean that we are to treat such ones in a rude way, rather it means we are not to pretend that things are all right, or to behave as though the person is in good standing with God. "To reject God and deliberately disobey the counsel of His church after experiencing His love is an extremely serious matter" cf. Hebrews 10:26-31. The goal in all this is threefold: 1) To restore the offender, leading him or her to repentance, faith, and usefulness to God (Galatians 6:1). 2) To prevent dishonor to God (Romans 2:23-24). 3) To protect the purity of the church, preventing the offender from leading others into sin (1 Corinthians 5:1-13; Matthew 18:6).